don't leave me
by jedi121
Summary: When Ezra has a horrible nightmare and when his way of dealing with it doesn't work he's forced to go to kanan for help but will he get the comfort he needs ? Will he find something else that he thought he would never have again ?
1. the nightmare

Hey this is my first fiction and I'm a little scared that it's not good So please be nice.

 _Nightmare_

 **YELLING**

METAL TALKING

so I hope you enjoy it and like I said first fiction so PLEASE be nice. And bar with me.

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EZRA POV

"I'm heading to bed good night Ezra." Zeb said before settling into bed.

"Uh good night" I really didn't know why he was saying good night like that, like i cared that he was going to bed. it's weird, or maybe I'm just not used to hearing that, know one said that on the street.

I tried to get comfortable but I was sore from jedi practice, kanan has been pushing me really hard scene the two inguisitors had captured me and Sabine, kanan says that 'he wants me two be prepared' but I can tell it's more than that but he wouldn't tell me if I ask what. So I stayed awake for a while as I thought on this. But Zeb started to snore as I was about to go to sleep so by the time I fell asleep it was 3:00 AM, I still haven't learned to sleep well with Zeb snoring.

 _" Ezra...Ezra"_ I heard Kanan's voice but I couldn't see him through the fog. _"kanan, kanan where are you, I..I can't see!"_ I called, I could feel the danger in the air.

 _The grand inguisitor walked out of the fog with the seventh sister and the fith brother behind him, all with lightsabers drawn. "Looks like the padawan will be here to see his master die" the grand inguisitor said as the seventh sister pulled kanan over to the grand inguisitor. "Kanan!" I said as I ran over to him but I realized that I couldn't move my legs and though I was yelling I couldn't here my own voice. Kanan look to me with sad eyes and said "you failed me, you let this happen, you let me down I'm so disappointed in you, you are no padawan of mine, I'm done with you." I was crying hard now kanan was abandoning me and I still couldn't speak, what's going on, where did the inguisitors come from I thought that the grand inguisitor was dead. "Pity that you will not live long enough to leave the padawan as you wish." The inguisitor said as he drove his lightsaber into Kanan's chest. "Nooooo!" I screened as I fell to my knees and cried. When I looked up I saw my parents and I was back in my old house. "Mom dad?" They didn't answer me, they just stared. "Ezra your a failure." My dad said as I look up in confusion, why would my dad say that to me? "You failed us, you failed your friends and you failed your master... you failed your self." Suddenly my parents were the seventh sister and the fith brother and my parents body's were laying lifeless behind them. "He's right, your parents are dead, your friends are dead and your master abandoned you, and is now dead as well, and you are about to die to." The seventh sister said as she slammed her lightsaber into_ me.

 **"AHHHHH**!" I woke up covered in sweat on the floor with tears streaming down my face, I looked up and made sure that Zeb was out of the room, which he was. "It was just a dream, it was just a dream. I tried to calm down and go back to sleep, but I couldn't. That was the worse one I've had in a while. I just have to go back to sleep and shake it off, just don't think about it and shake it off, just shake it off.


	2. again

So sorry this took me so long but life got in the way, but hopefully this will be better than the last chapter. I got some really good advice in the comments, you know who you are. :) and thank you all for the encouragement, it gave me some confidence to continue the story like you all want.

Hope you enjoy it.

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EZRA POV

 _" Where am I?"_

 _I looked around to get any idea of where I am but everything was dark and cold. I was pretty sure that I was laying down but in the darkness I couldn't be sure, so I tried to move but found that I was tied down. On what though?  
Suddenly I saw a light ahead of me, I thought that it was sun light, but the sound coming from it told me that it was something else. Something deadly. Something terrifying.  
A red lightsaber. And as I looked to see who was holding it the light dissolve into the darkness. Only to reappear right in front of me, but this time the grand inquisitor was holding it to my throat._

 _"_ _At_ _last, I have been hunting you a long time now. And when there is a hunter, there is pray, and you padawan will be killed as nothing more than that."  
_

 _The grand inquisitor said, putting his lightsaber at my chest, and slowly bring it down and then back up hovering over me. Making it clear that his intention was to cut me in two._

 _My blood went cold as I remembered what just happened, Kanan, my parents, the crew, everything came back at once when the lightsaber tore deep into my chest._

I woke up on the floor again, sweating and crying. Not because of the nightmare itself, but because that this was the second time I've woken up like this in one night.

"Just get over it, it was just a freaking dream so stop acting like a child." I was mad at myself for not only being so worked up that I was actually crying about it, but because I thought for a split second about going to Kanan for help. I can't do that, Kanan probably wouldn't care and just tell me to get over it any way, which is exactly what I need to do so i don't need to have someone else tell me that.  
I just couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't just a regular nightmare.

* * *

So how was that? I was trying really hard to get the spelling and everything right. Just not good at that stuff. And yes I left you on a cliff hanger lol. you can expect that in the future

Let me know if there were mistakes or if you have any ideas. And sorry it was so short.


	3. morning

I'm sorry I didn't update sooner I've meant to every night and just haven't gotten around to it, but that's no excuse for such a long wait. Thank you all for being so nice, I haven't gotten a bad review yet and that makes me really happy, thanks for the spelling help to. And if you guys have any ideas let me know, and remember there are no bad ideas.

Hope you enjoy

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Ezra POV

The alarm finally went off and the day started, I heard the crew going about there up usual morning habits, Hera cooking breakfast for every one, Sabine painting the walls of the ghost, Zeb complaining about the smell of the paint and how long breakfast was taking. Usually Kanan was the first one awake and by now would be either helping Hera with breakfast or trying to keep me from Chasing chopper around if I was awake, which was rare. Kanan would always wake me up after breakfast was made. But I didn't hear him out there. Where was he? Was he sick, this is really unlike him?  
Why do I care so much, why am I on the floor? Then the memory came back. 

"The nightmare..." I thought about the nights horrors and for once I actually remembered it all in detail, the grand inquisitor, the fith brother and seventh sister, my parents, the crew... Kanan.

"I Watch them all die and none of it hurt as bad as kanan dying... and telling me he was disappointed in me. Is that true, is he disappointed in me, am I failing him? Wait calm down it was just a dream it wasn't real." Was it? I ask silently to myself, afraid to voice where my mind was going before my thoughts were introduced.

" Ezra breakfast come get it or Zeb is gonna eat it all." Hera said on the other side of the door.

" yeah oh my way." I really don't have a problem with Zeb eating my food, I wasn't very hungry at the moment. I'm being stupid, complete stupid, ITS JUST A NIGHTMARE, Ugh Ridiculous.

I went out to the Kitchen and saw everyone doing what they usually do and I relaxed a little when I saw Zeb, Sabine, Hera and chopper all alive and well. I turned around to get my plate and was about to ask where kanan was because I was still oddly worried but as if reading my mind kanan was right there standing in the door way. I smiled and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and for a brief second had to fight the urge to hug him. wow this is not good first the dream and now this, he's getting to close to me or should I say I'm letting him get to close to me I don't want anyone that close. I thought to myself as kanan gave me an almost knowing look and sat down to eat.

"Where were you kanan the food has all but gotten cold by now?" Zeb said.

"Meditating, there was something very interesting today that got my attention." He said that last part looking at me.

" o..k... Ezra you in trouble or something?" Zeb ask serving at me.

" Or something." I said sheepishly. What was that about?

" Oh I know this isn't breakfast talk but you me and Sabine have a supplies run tomorrow and it will probably take over night since we haven't gone on one in so long." Hera said and everyone nodded consent.

That leaves me and kanan here alone for a day if not a little more, and what if I have a nightmare tomorrow night I just gotta keep kanan from finding out somethings wrong. For several reasons. It going to be interesting to say the least.

I hope I can pull this off.

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OK so it's like midnight were I am so I hope that it's good spelling and everything spell check can only go so far you know lol and sorry again about how late it was I'll try and update more often oh and remember ideas ideas


	4. authors note

I'm so sorry that this is not an update, I know how sad I am when I think it's a new chapter and it's not but it's Friday night so from now through the weekend I'm hoping to do several new chapters to make up for such a long wait on the last two.

So here's my questions for you.

1\. My chapters are kinda short so do you want longer chapters? They will come less often.  
Or do you want me to keep them short and try to update every day or so?

2\. I'm working on chapter 4, and I'm trying to ask this in a way that won't have spoilers so the bottom line question is, do you want the story to be a shorter (10- chapters) and have chapter 4 be really juicy or do you want the story to be longer (10+ chapters) and for me to drag it out for a while? Either one is find with me.

This is not a question but I've been encouraging all of you to give me ideas and if you don't have any that's fine but I'll level with you, it's hard to come up with new ideas some times so if you have one PLEASE Share I love to get some new inspiration.

OK that is all and I promise to get chapter 4 up soon.


	5. whys

OK so I was told to drag this out so this is gonna be fun.

 _thoughts_

So without further a do.

* * *

 **EZRA POV**

Everyone was about to leave for the mission with the promise of not being back until at least tomorrow morning, if nothing wrong which let's be honest, it never does.  
So that leaves me alone with kanan for the next day and if he finds out what's going on, it's going to be the longest lecture ever. And as unfortunate as that is, what if my dream was right, what if he was disappointed in me? Because if he wasn't now he would be if he found out.  
And then there's the overriding issue, why did kanan dying in the dream and telling me that he was disappointed in me hurt so much. I needed to figure all of this out and fix it but I don't think that I'm gonna get the chance to.

" Alright, we're off." Hera said gently pushing sabine and Zeb out the door.

"Don't have to much fun without us." Kanan said smiling.

"Yeah you two don't burn down the ship." Hera said haft teasing.

The door shut and kanan looked to me and smiled a smile that said something, what I couldn't make out.

"So... " I didn't really know what to do now.

"So.. what do you want to do while They're gone?"

"I'm gonna take a shower." I was desperate to get out of there.

I ran down the halls in to the bathroom and turned on the water. It was so hot I was pretty sure it would burn my skin off but I didn't care, I need to clear my head and the heat might just do that. I took my vest and long sleeve shirt off and saw my wrists, and the reminders of the ways I dealt with nightmares before. Small scares were all over my arms and wrists.  
 _worthless, stupid, a waste, waste of space, waste of time, waste of life. You are nothing, no wonder kanan is disappointed in you._ I realized that again I was WAY to close to kanan, shouldn't care if he's disappointed or not. But for some reason I do. Do you _remember what happened last time Ezra?_ That voice. But it was right, last time... This CAN NOT happen. It just can't.

Then I spotted a shiny thing on the floor. It was a knife, it was mine. It must have fallen out of my bag, when I came in the other day. _go ahead, you're alone. No don't do it again not over this._

I put the knife in my bag and finished getting undressed and got in the shower. The water was so hot, I actually didn't feel pain or the burning sensation that I expected, all I felt was the pressure of the water on my back.

The Voice. The voice never stopped. And I didn't know where it was coin from. It sounded familiar but I didn't know how or where I knew it from. It was dark, it wasn't my usual condensing voice I heard. That one was mine. But now my own voice was telling me not to do it. What's going on? _just tell kanan about the nightmare, he'll understand._

"NO!" Why is that thought still in my head. Why do the nightmares keep coming back? Why does it feel so real? Why does that voice sound so familiar?  
Kanan...that's a whole different issue.

I was shaken from my thoughts when my water got cold, I turned it off and got out. I got my clothes and my towel and headed to my room.

" I just don't know what to do." I sighed out as I opened my door and sat On my bed. About half an hour past, when kanan knocked on my door.

" Ezra I need to talk to you." His voice sounded upset, at me no doubt.

"Here we go." I whispered.


	6. past and present meet

Alright so first off, thanks for the amazingly nice comments, I loved the cute attack one, you know who you are. Lol

 **WARNING  
** **This chapter will have self harm and a little mention of rape so no flames please if you don't like or feel comfortable with that don't read it. Thanks.** :)

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Ezra POV

I took a deep breath and opened the door.

"Ok, what about?" I tried to sound like myself but my voice was higher than it usually was.

"Come on, let's go talk in the kitchen." Kanan said, walking that way with a smile that said follow me.

Oh no what am I gonna do, I just will play dumb and lie my way through this.

"So Hera called me and told me that there are way more imp presents there than expected and they're having to be more careful so this overnight trip is actually gonna be two if not more." Kanan said sitting down at the table waving me over.

So this wasn't about me at all, that's a relief.

"By the way when you were taking a shower I felt something was wrong are you okay?"

And there it is.

"Yeah um...yeah I'm fine I just um...had the um water ah.. to hot...at first." That wasn't a complete lie, now that all of that emotion wore off my back hurt like it had been burned, which it was.

"You know for someone who lived on the streets you sure don't lie very well. Spill" kanan looked at me with a dangerously gent look, a look that said don't lie to me.

" kanan really I'm fine, just..." I trailed off, not able to get my words out when kanan was giving me that look.

"Just what Ezra, tell me, you can trust me." Kanan said and he wrapped an arm around me and pulled me into a side hug that dared to be a full on one. I pulled away from it like a shot and ran down the hall back to my room where I intended to stay for the next two days. Locking the door I curled into myself and cried hard for about half an hour before I saw one of my knifes on my night stand. I stared at it for a second, then I leaped at it, desperate for the pain to go away.

"NO I can't, I can't trust any one. Everyone wants to hurt me, everybody wants to take advantage of me, to use me. My body, my life, my power. No one will stay with me when it comes down to it. No one loves me no one cares. And why would they? I worthless, unless, a waste, trash that no one wants. Don't let your self go through this again it's not worth it. Don't let any one get with in bullet range, cause they WILL use you as a target. (A/N that is gonna up come again)he will to."

I pulled the knife across my left wrist (A/N that will be important) and watch as blood stared to come. "He will to if you let him."

Cut after cut, each one with one memory or other for it. And I cut one extra deep for that one time. It will be with me forever.

The men. They dragged me out in the street. They were so rough. Nobody even tried to help me.

Then there was the abuse. Another deep one for that. I can't go on like this.

I clean up, wrap my wrist and go to bed and then the nightmares start.

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OK so here we go it's getting fun, sorry for the heavy chapter but it's gonna be a little better next one and we are on our way to something all fluff lovers will injoy. Opps that was a spoiler lol hope you enjoyed.


	7. I need help

OK so I would like you all to give me some ideas as to where you want me to go with this in the upcoming chapters, thanks by the way this I know in said in the last chapter that this one will not be as heavy but it does not look like that's going to happen so um...yeah sorry 'bout that. Anyway hope you enjoy.

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EZRA POV

 _"You are a failure. You are worthless. You are a waste. Trash. N_ _othing."_

 _I heard the voice of the grand inquisitor. And when I looked it that direction what I saw..._

 _The grand inquisitor walked to me and pulled me over to kanan who was holding my lightsaber, the crew in the back ground, tied separately to what looked like whipping posts._

 _Kanan came to me with my lightsaber in hand._

 _"You failed me, take it, leave and never return." Kanan said giving me my lightsaber and walking away. While the grand inquisitor started to whip the others._

 _"Kanan please...i..I need you, please don't leave me...please I'm so sorry I didn't focus in training and that I am such a failure but PLEASE I don't know what I would do without you I need you. I love you. Please. I said with tears streaming down my cheeks, I need kanan._

 _"Looks at all of this Ezra." Kanan said motioning to the crew that by now we're all but dead on the whipping posts.  
"It's all your fault, it's all because of you. You are garbage, and a waste. I'm leaving you." Kanan turned and walked away, then the grand inquisitor came up to me everything in the background disappeared when the inquisitor pressed his fingers to my forehead._

 _"You're alone, you're alone because your own master doesn't want you, and you are mine now. Prey."_

 _He did something, I don't know what but it felt like hell I've never felt before._

 _"Remember this when you wake up."_

 _Wait this is a dream, and then everything went black._

I woke up on the floor. Again. I pushed my self up on my left arm when shooting pain went though my arm.

"Oh right, that. " I got completely up and then I felt it.

Something in my mind, like someone else's presents in my mind, I tried to trace it but I didn't have to.

Inquisitor. _"I'm in control now padawan."_

I heard the voice, that was the voice I heard yesterday.

I have to tell kanan now. I need help.

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The next one is gonna be fun. I hope you enjoyed.

Don't forget to review. Thanks. Sorry it was so short it late and I'm tired. Lol

:)


	8. Questions

Ok, so as always is late and I should be sleeping right now but I decided to update, though it will be short. Hope you enjoy

Ezra POV

I went to go find kanan, but I had to move slowly because my head hurt. I found kanan in the commen room, talking to Hera over the hologram.

"So this is gonna take at least another two days, where are we even gonna get the tools to fix the Phantom, what are we gonna do?" Hera said

"Do you want me to come get you?"

"NO no you stay there and help Ezra, I'll deal with this.

"Alright but if you're over night trip turns into a weak long adventure, don't come crying to me."

"I won't don't worry."

And the hologram shut off. Now or never.

"Hay, kanan. I have a Hypothetical Question."

"OH you came out of you're room, I was uh starting to wonder if you ever would." Kanan said waving me over.

"Yeah um... I'm sorry about yesterday, and everything. "

"It's alright Ez, so Hypothetical Question, what is it."

Kanan was treating yesterday like it was no big deal, was he expecting it, did he not care? And did he just call me 'Ez'... I don't even know what to do with that.

"Yeah um...what's the difference between a nightmare and a vision?"

"That's a odd Hypothetical Question if I've ever heard one. What's going on?

"N..nothing just a question."

Kanan sighed and said.

"Alright we can play it this way. Well let's see, a nightmare happens at night as the name implies, and visions usually happen when you're awake. Uh..Nightmares are just, the mind trying to get you to deal with what every your afraid of, to bring it to your attention but visions are the forces way of warning you of something, but what we see and how we make sense of it and what we are being warned of can be very different, that's why visions are so hard to read."

"So nightmares don't come true, only visions.

"Well.. most don't but with strong force sensitive like yourself, they can be given so much power that they take body."

"Was I supposed to understand that? I said not getting a single word he just said.

"Ok, basically when you have a nightmare and you think about it and you worry over it you're giving it power, like feeding the monster. And when there's so much emotion that it feels overwhelming, for a force sensitive it can take body which means it becomes real. The worst nightmare the one that has the most effect on you is the one that's more likely to happen, because you bring it into existence."

The one where you left me, the whipping posts. I thought to myself.

"Ok thanks, um.. that...that helps..." all the more reason not to get close to you.

"NO problem Ez."

Ez, I think I like it, this is NOT good.

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Hoped you liked .


	9. the attack

is so late but nothing has been abandoned, a the next two chapters are gonna be fun. Enjoy.

* * *

EZRA POV

I went to my room to figure out what to do now. I kinda like the nickname, but I'm just not willing to let myself get hurt again. Kanan said the nightmare that's the worst has a highest chance of happening, and with my life it's almost sure to happen... _almost, maybe it won't, give him a chance. He might be different.  
_

"No he's not, no one is. How many people have hurt me because I thought 'they're different'? Too many... I can't do it again, I can't lose someone, and I can't get left. Not again. I won't be able to get back up again." I said they erosion myself going into my room.

And now I have to make a decision, more of a problem, what do I do?

I didn't get the chance to think about it before a pain in my head distracted me.

The pain was dull nut it was getting stronger, it was a burning sensation, it felt like someone else was trying to get in my mind. Kanan had told me about how someone could enter your mind if you let your mental walls down and let them in, no way in hell would I actually LET anyone do that, Kanan has asked but I made it clear that I wasn't comfortable with that and he dropped it. _see he respects you, he wouldn't force you to do that if you didn't want to, doesn't that me you can trust him._ I cant. And the burning was getting worse by the second, who ever it was they were trying to get in my mind but instead of waiting for me to allow them in they were just breaking down the walls. It felt like my brain was on fire. Then I heard the voice, not the voice I assumed I would hear but a much more deadly one.

"I'm in control, and I will have you for what ever I see fit, padawan."

The voice was one I wouldn't want my worst enemy to have to hear. I need help.

I opened my door and ran to the Kitchen looking for kanan, but he wasn't there, so I ran to the commen room but he wasn't there either. I stared yelling for him. I kept running desperate to get the voice out of my head.

"Kanan..Kanan help! I screamed the pain becoming more and more unbearable as he got more aggressive.

" _you can run but I'm the one thing you can't escape... YOUR MIND."_

I fell to my knees and cried as the pain took over and everything went black.

...

I woke up on something soft, a bed, Kanan's I realized as I looked around. Kanan was right there beside me.

"What happened?"

"You were attacked, mentally." Kanan said

"By who?"

Kanan sighed and took my hand, I would have taken my hand but something in his eyes may ed me want the contact. what? I want this now?!

"You were attacked by...

* * *

Cliff hanger... lol I love doing that. Wait for it mahaha. So how was it? Hoped you enjoyed.


	10. the first talk

Alright so I made sure to update soon since I don't want any of you to die from excitement, lol

So here you go... BTW you might want to be sitting down for the next several chapters lol.

* * *

EZRA POV

" **Darth Vader."** Kanan said.

I tried to possess, it was like my mind wasn't working right.

"What?" I asked

"I hope you have more info for me because I don't have much more to tell you. Kanan said smiling hopefully at me.

Where do I start?

"What do you want to know?" I said finally finding words.

"I want anything possibly you could tell me to help me help you."

I stared trying to find words that had suddenly left me again.

"I...I heard the inquisitors voice, right up in till when I was calling for you and...and everything went black. What happened. I...I don't remember anything after that."

"That I'll tell you later but when did you start hearing the inquisitor?"

"I don't know a few days ago maybe."

"Like when you asked me what the is difference between a nightmare and a vision."

"Yeah I guess." I knew where this was going.

"Ok well I let it slide then agenst my better judgment but now it's serious and we're talking about this." Kanan said giving me a look that was plain scary, that said don't you dare even try to get out of this. But I will.

"What is 'this' that we are talking about, a nightmare that didn't even happen or the attack?"

"Nightmare, so to clarify, the first time the inquisitor went after you it was in a dream?"

"Yeah the first time it was a nightmare but he couldn't have been attacking me cause he's dead. "

"Remember when I told you that when someone 'dies' they really just take a different form and they are apart of the force and are just as capable of doing some things as they were when they were in flesh form?"

"So you're saying the inquisitor attacked me from death?" I said fear in my voice.

"In a sense yes, he became part of the darkness when he died and his mind attacked yours in what I think was the first wave." Kanan said sitting on the bed and I instinctively moved away but not far.

"First wave? What does that even mean?

"When did you start having nightmares?"

"Four five days ago. But kanan I have had nightmares since I was a toddler."

"Yes but a nightmare and a attack is a very different story.

"What's the difference? How could you tell?"

"Did you have any weird feeling after the first nightmare?

"I don't know?

"Think hard.

"It just upset me more than a regular nightmare would.

"Ok well that's how you know it's an attack, it makes a feeling that isn't there with regular nightmare does.

Then what kanan said cleared in my brain.

"Wave one? I said hear my voice shake.

"I think so. Kanan said heavily.

"Why do you think so? I can't take more nightmares. I can't.

"So here's how the dark side works, when they find some one powerful and young like you, they will do pretty much whatever it takes to get them on the dark side. So they send inquisitors, they happen to go with the grand inquisitor because if I had to guess your memory's of him is something they could easily control you with, rather than the seventh sister or the fith brother."

Kanan stopped to see if I understood, when I nodded he continued.

"But when the inquisitor failed as he always does, they send the next one up. The one who trained him. Darth Vader."

"So when one fails the next power attacks?

"Yes, that way one of them, in theory, will get to you though power and brutality or just exhaust you to the point of allowing it."

I could tell kanan was trying to teach me and hide what he was feeling but I know he's scared. So am i.

"So there just going to keep attacking me until they win? There has to be something to do to fix this why is it just happening now?"

"Your regular mental walls were weaker than usual and since they have been waiting for this I'm sure they took full advantage of it. But something weakened your mind. And either your not telling me, in which case you'd better tell me before it gets worse or, you might not know your self but until what ever that is is fixed, yes the attack will continue. Kanan said the fear showing on his face now.

"Wait you said that if one fails the next level up attacks, who's over Darth Vader?

Kanan looked at me for several seconds, before he spoke.

"Do you want to sleep in here tonight, I sure you don't want to be alone in that room after all of this.

I think I have a problem, I wanted to say yes for a second.

"I don't but I think I just need some time to myself, you know...to think. Figure things out.

I said talking about more the problem that sleeping in Kanan's bed almost sounded like a good idea. Kanan looked at me notably searching for a lie. Or to see what I was talking about because he definitely knows it's not about what we've been talking about.

"Ok well let me know when you do.

"I will. And I actually meant it. Every cell in my being tells me that this is going against my own rules but I can't help but start to trust him.

* * *

Yeah! I got you that one fast. Hope you enjoyed sorry fir spelling mistakes I'm really tired .


	11. Yoda

Chapter 10 yay! This is inspired by watching the seek peek to the new SWR episode.

Two words.

MASTER YODA

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooo extremely excited.

So I'm talking to much. Here you go. Hope you enjoy.

* * *

EZRA POV

I went to my room with the knowledge that I will not be sleeping tonight. I was to distracted. Kanan. Darth Vader attacking me. I don't know for the life of me what made my mind weak anyway, I thought it was the nightmare but turns out that it was the already dead inquisitor attacking me, another reason I'm not sleeping ever again, I'm to scared, though I'd never admit it. But was it the death of my parents that had me shaken up, not getting to finish things with them. Was it that I actually reached out for kanan when I found out. That's more than likely it. I'm terrified to get hurt again, I can't put myself back together again not after last time. I can't do it again.  
These thoughts didn't go very far past that because even though I had no intention of sleeping, the last several days have catched up to me. I fell asleep within minutes of hitting my pillow.

 _I felt as if I was falling...or flying? Then everything went still, I was on something that seemed to be the ground, I felt a very warm, extremely strong presents in front of me, so I looked up. I couldn't believe what, or actually who a saw._

 _"M..master Yoda? What are you doing here? Where is, here?" The place around me stared to become more clear, it looked like a temple, no way? It's the jedi temple._

 _"Ask to many questions you do. What are you doing here the question is."_

 _"I'm sorry i..I don't understand." Why did he have to talk like that?_

 _"Tell me, what is it you fear?_

 _Now that I understood. But I didn't want to answer, so I gave my normal answer to that question._

 _"I'm not afraid of anything."_

 _"Take me for a fool do you? Tell, knows all the force does."_

 _No avoiding this._

 _"I'm afraid that I won't be able to control my power. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of loss. I'm afraid of being abandoned again. I'm afraid of being vonrable. Some ones gonna hurt me...again._

 _"Ah...understand I do. Act on your fear will you?_

 _"What do you mean?_

 _"Make a decision you must, your path you must decide._

 _"So what do you want me to do, run to kanan and beg to sleep in his room? Why don't I just hand him a gun and say shoot me._

 _"Inside you much, much fear and anger._

 _"Can you blame me, everyone I get close and care about gets murdered right in front of me. And everyone I truth turns and stabs me in the back. So I don't turn my back on anyone now. It's the thing to do._

 _"Hmm?_

 _"To use me._

 _"Trust the in the force you must. Knows all the force does, and lead you into truth it will._

 _"What does that even mean? And can we talk about the fact that I'm getting attacked? What weakened my walls anyway? What am I going to do? Help me!"_

 _"Trust in the force._

...

And I was awake. Trust in the force. What does that even mean? I looked at my clock and saw that it was morning, eight, to be exact. I need to get up and see were the rest of the crew stands, I hope they come back soon. It's a little to convenient for them to be gone, with the ship all to our self, there's no way I'm getting completely out off this conversation with kanan.

Then I felt a push to that decision. It was that the force was telling me to do that.

Was that what Yoda meant when he said trust the force? Cause trust isn't really my thing. And I really don't like what the force is telling me.

I walked out of my room and into the kitchen were kanan was.

"Anything new on the crew?" I asked my voice horse

"No but they should be back tomorrow or the next day. Kanan said smiling at me

"How'd you sleep?" Kanan waited a second before saying. "Did you figure things out?

I stared at him for several seconds, then I did what master Yoda told me to do. "No." I said simply. I told the truth and that seemed to be what the force wanted.

"I slept Ok but shallow.

Kanan nodded and gave me some space waffles.

"Thanks.

There was an creepy silence that fell over us. I guess I showed the fear on my face cause kanan reach out and touched my shoulder and I instinctively cringed.

"Are you ok? Are you hurt?" Kanan asked

I knew the tears were coming, so I bolted my room.

I'm scared.


	12. out

So chapter 11 yay! Oh and when this story is over... I think I can milk this for another three chapters, do you want me to do a side story to this one with it being from Kanan's POV or do you want me to do a sequel or both? Cause I'm having way to much fun with this one to be done with it. Oh and I'm working **truth or dare** but that's more than likely going to be a every other Friday night thing so yeah. Do you think I should do a Ezra sicfic? Let me know.

So on to the chapter.

 **this chapter will have slight mention of rape**

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EZRA POV

I can't believe I did that. I can't believe I did that. What the hell is wrong with me? What does kanan think? Why do I care? Ugh!

Kanan was trying to comfort me, to show me he cared and I just literally pulled away.  
He probably hates me. I would, I do. But he can't blame me for that, it's not my fault. _oh but he can, he doesn't know. And you can't tell him, he WILL leave you. Don't trust him._ but I already do. Somewhat. And that's already to much. Especially now after what I did. I even can't tell him why, he'll be... I don't actually know how he would react but it wouldn't be good.

"But I have to come out of this room at some point, how am I gonna explain why I did that?"

You can't. _you have to._ you CAN'T.

Suddenly the tears stared from the argument that was going on in my head. And for the fact that once again I was alone. Again.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I Need out. Out of This situation with kanan. Out of the attacks. Out of my responsibilities. Out of the crew. Out of being alone. Out of the way my life goes. Out of life. That's what I need to do. Get Out of life. Get one mission right. And make everything better for everyone, especially kanan. Everything will go away for good. I'll be free.

I dug my knife out of my bag and stared at it. _can I really do it?_ I don't see why not. I've been cutting since I was seven, when my parents were taken...and I've attempted this before, it's time I go through with it.

I slowly put my knife to my left wrist and pressed down. Then I stopped, I couldn't do it. I failed as always. Then I felt a pain in my head, like someone slammed my head into a wall, but from the inside, it was like last time but stronger. Kanan never told me who came after Darth Vader, who's attacking me? The pain got worse so bad that I dropped my knife and fell to my knees screaming in agony. I wanted to find kanan but after what I did that didn't seam like an option, the pain was so bad that my vision blurred and I couldn't breath, move or even think. I had to make it stop.  
I grabbed my knife screaming the whole time, the only way to make it stop was to do this. Then my attacker backed down only enough for me to think, and the memory's that came to mind, I thought I pushed under the rug a LONG time ago but there back.

The abuse. Why? I was just a child. I didn't know what was going on, and it wasn't my fault but as always I payed for it.

The raping. I was helpless. Why does everyone take advantage of me. What is it about me that makes people want to use me. Probably because I was easy to use.

I pushed the knife dead into my skin and pulled, then went to the other wrist. Blood poured from my wrists and I saw kanan rush into my room. He probably heard me screaming.

"Ezr..."

Everything happened so fast that I didn't hear the rest of what he said. I felt his arms around me and I felt like I was being picked up. I heard Kanan say something like 'I can't lose you' which didn't make any sense.

Then everything when black.

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So what'ca think? Review please


	13. done

So after I finish this haft of the story I am going to do kanan POV of this. And then a sequel. :-) and a sickfic in between. Hope you enjoy

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Ezra POV

I heard the sound of beeping, like a hart monitor. I was waking up and I knew I had failed again. I didn't know what was gonna happen but it made me wish I was successful even more.

"Ezra, Ezra wake up, come on, please." I heard Kanan's voice and I felt him shaking me gently. I didn't want to face him, but my eyes open on their own when someone touches me.

"K...Kanan?"

"Hey ez."

I didn't respond. I didn't know where to start, or if I even should. But I did have something to ask.

"Why can't I feel the force?"

"We had to put a force suppressor on you to get the attacks to stop." Kanan said motioning to the metal band on my wrist...my left wrist. Oh no.

"What happened, we?" I asked

Kanan's soft looked changed a bit, he seemed almost angry.

"Wh...what do you mean what happened, you tried to kill yourself. You've been out of it for three days, you scared the hell out of me Ezra, not to mention everyone else that got here right when you were about to bleed to death. "

The look kanan was giving me made me want to cry. I couldn't say anything but this.

"I...I'm sorry." I stared tearing up.

"Why?"

"I was...I was sick of it." I looked down

Kanan got on the bed I was on in the med bay, he wrapped a arm around me and stared rubbing my back. I cringed and pulled away. "Sick of what?" Kanan ask pulling me back and wrapping his other arm around me. The added touch sent me over the edge.

I lost it.

"I'm sick of being used, I'm sick of being taken advantage of, I'm sick of getting close to someone just have then murdered in front of me, I sick of trusting some one just for them to stab me in the back, and you're gonna be the same way and kanan I'm sick of it."

"Ezra I would never..." Kanan didn't really know what to say.

"No, kanan. I can't let someone else tear me to shreds again. I don't think I can put myself back together this time."

"Ezra please just listen to me"

"No, just...just stop."

I got up and pushed him out of the way, quickly undoing the hart monitor attachment. I ran out of the mad bay, my head spinning from the loss of blood. I ran out of the ghost and into the city where it was already vary dark but I didn't care, the only thing I cared about was getting to my goal which was my old house. Where I could finish what I stared. I'm done with this whole thing.

I'm done.


	14. hear me out

Okay the next chapter is the last so up next is Kanan's POV yay! I'll tie up a few ends in that one. ;) so you get a glimpse into Kanan's past in this cap.

Hope you enjoy

* * *

Ezra POV

I ran. I ran from everything. I was fiscally running to my old house. But really running from my past. Running from everything that has happened. Running from the fear. Running from the pain. Just running.

I finally got to my old house and stopped at the door. I looked at it. Memory's...they came like a punch in the stomach. Like a drowning wave. I opened to door and went inside to the kitchen where I knew there was a gun. I failed with my knife, plus it was back on the ghost, even a failure like me can't screw up with a gun.

I took it out of the secret compartment and sat at what use to be the kitchen table. I held the gun to my forehead and wrapped my finger around the trigger. My hand shook when I pressed down lightly on the trigger. I couldn't do it.

My hand dropped to the table and I broke down crying. I melted on to the table sobbing and shaking but after what I guest to be about twenty minutes I pulled my self together and sat up holding the gun in my hand, the trigger facing me. I was about to pull the trigger but as much as I wanted the force to go away right now it didn't and everything about it told me not to, so I started spinning the gun. If it pointed to me when it stopped spinning I'll shoot. Then on the second failed spin I heard a voice.

"Ezra!" It was kanan.

I didn't respond, I just kept spinning the gun, harder each time in the hopes it would land on me and this nightmare that is my life would end.

"Ezra stop! Put the gun down!"

I turned the gun to him even though I was hundred and ten percent sure that I couldn't and wouldn't pull the trigger.

"Ezra please put the gun down...Ezra I understand what your-"

"NO YOU DON'T!" I yelled putting the gun back to my head.

"I understand more than you know."

"If you don't leave right now I will fire this gun."

"Ezra please I care about I need you i...I love you."

I heard Kanan's voice crack like he was...no way! I looked up and I was shocked by what I saw. Tears where streaming down Kanan's face.

I've never seen him cry before. Is it possible that he actually cares about me?

"Just, hear me out Ezra. Please"

I looked at him hard for a second. Then I put the gun on the table, still in my hand mind you but away from my head.

"Alright."

Kanan slowly came up to the table and sat down.

"When order sixty six happen I was just about your age...I didn't know how to cope, I was told how to make the wold a better place but I wasn't told what to do when mine fell apart.  
The temple was all but dust so I was out on the streets, stealing to survive, dumpster diving just to eat dinner."

Now I was tearing up to, as much as I hated it I cared about kanan and the thought of him living the way I did was something I'd rather set myself on fire than intertan.

"Not only did I not know feed myself, I didn't know...how to handle..."

"Kanan." I stopped him, i could see how hard this was to talk about for him. "You don't have to tell me all of this."

"Yes I do, i..I can't expect you to do what I'm not willing to do myself."

I nodded and he continued.

"The, voices, the flash backs, it was fine during the day but at night-"

"The pains there waiting for you." I cut him off.

"Yeah it is, and I did okay the first few days after wards because I was still in shock that my world actually just burn to the ground in front of me, but when I came out of that and reality hit me hard, I...I couldn't handle it. I was hungry and dirty and exhausted and I'm the kind of person that can keep going if I know it's gonna get better but I was pretty sure that that was all it was gonna be for me, that this was it. That things were-"

"Never gonna get better, yeah i, I know the feeling."

"So when the reality of my new life hit me, it hit to hard and, I-"

"Couldn't take it anymore." I was crying decently hard now.

"Yeah. And I kind of excepted the fact that I couldn't keep going like this and soon I was either gonna get killed or stave to death. So since everything else had been taken from me-"

"Your life was the last thing in your control." I felt several of the sobs that I was so desperately trying to keep in come out at the hellish thought. I can't believe he's telling me all of this.

"It was the last thing I had power over. But the knife for a split second made the voice of my dying master go away, the word run..I didn't hear it for a second, for the first time in months I was free. Yeah it fixed it little while but as time dragged on the scars were still there.  
And when the few survivors stared coming back out a few years later I saw a master and padawan that I had seen in the temple and all the emotions that I thought I had pushed deep under rug came, back. I needed something stronger, I had found a job here and there so I had the money, there were off world inporters so..."

I nodded. I could tell kanan didn't want to tell me what drugs he did and I respected that.

"But that wore off and so did the a alcohol and everything I did and regret under its influence, and went I woke up, I was hung over in the worst part of town and the pain was still there. That word was still there. So I traveled around and came to the same conclusion I came to a few months after order sixty six, to just stop running and give up. I had been running for years. And in in some ways I still am."

Kanan stopped, not hiding very well that he was choking back tears. I just stayed quite, wiping away a few of my own.

"So at a friend apartment, I was spinning a gun around a table, note written and everything, and I was ready to stop...running. but I had the radio on and the usual imperial broadcast was cut and voices out Hope came on and uh, gave me hope." Kanan said wiping away tears.

Now I have a choice to make, again. And I know what I'm gonna chose. Kanan told all of this when it was CLEARLY agony to talk about, how could I think he would hurt me. It's time I stop running to.

I pushed the gun into his out stretched hand. He took it and I took a deep breath.

"Alright."


	15. everything will be ok

Ok so this is the last chapter and I'm working on kanan's POV, I'm hoping to have the first chap up by next week. Hopefully. And sorry this took me so long and I have no excuse except I really wanted to do this right so I may or may not have been rehearsing this chapter in the shower with me playing the part of Ezra...and sometimes kanan...don't judge me...anyway, um...ahem...uh...on with it.

 **this chapter will have slight mention of rape. But nothing to grafic.**

Hope you enjoy

* * *

EZRA POV

"Alright." If kanan was willing to tell me all this than its only fair I do the same. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, the pain of my whole life coming in one blow in my next word, that were barely above a whisper.

"It's wasn't my fault, I..I was just a child. I didn't know what was going on."

Kanan looked confused so I explained.

"When the imperials stared to figure out that my parents were the voices of hope things stared getting tense at home, and when things went wrong my dad would yell at me about nothing. Food got scares and when I ask for food he hit me, with a ruler on my left wrist. I...I didn't know that we were running out of food, i...I was only a child. I, I guess that's why when I learned they were dead i was so upset, I want to fix things with them, I know they loved me but I couldn't fight for myself, I wanted to make umends. But now I never will." I felt the feeling of tears wheling up again.

Kanan nodded and gestured for me to continue.

I sighed. "I thought when the food ran out at home I knew what hunger was but when they were taken from me I was so depressed that I didn't even think about finding food for about a week. But then when I did I didn't know how to do that, I didn't want to steel but I didn't see any other option but soon there wasn't much to steel, wasn't any dumpster to search, when imperial forces increased the food supply became less and less. I went days without food, weeks." stopped whipping away tears and considering if i should tell kanan what i was about to. I decided to.

"I came across a dead animal one night, one night after a week and a haft of nothing but a few cups of dirty water...and kanan I was so hungry, I thought of meat and I couldn't resist. I...I just had to." I broke down in tears at the memory, kanan wrapped a arm around me and I cringed and pulled out of his touch.

Kanan looked confused and raised a eyebrow to say he wanted a explanation.

I didn't want to tell him, he would be disgusted with me, he'd leave but his tone of voice didn't leave much room for debate.

"Do I have to?"

Kanan softened "You don't HAVE to do anything, I won't force you."

I think It was how he said that, 'I won't force you' it was such a odd thing, every one always forced me in every way. I've yet to have a choice in anything and the fact that he giving me one means more than he could know. _maybe he does know, he's just manipulating you, you told him something useful and he's already using it aginist you do you really want to give him more._

But the helpful thing about leaving on the street is that you learn how to read people, like how when people are lying there pupils dilate, and went people are nervous there breathing patterns become more intense, and when people are trying to take advantage of you or trying to manipulate you there muscles tense, even ever so slightly. No one that didn't spend haft there life on the streets would be able to pick those things up, but I can and kanan, for one thing, was not displaying any of those things.

He was telling the truth.

"Well you get pretty weary of the whole fiscal contact thing

when you spend three years of you life in a human trafficking camp." i said, my head down,eyes closed, knowing when I looked up kanan would be gone, or close to it. They always leave when I need them most.

I braced myself and looked up, expecting a look that mixed between disappointed, disgusted and the look someone gives you when they're about to leave. But I didn't see any of those things, Kanan's expression was unreadable, I don't if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe both.

"A what, i...wh...how..." Kanan stopped trying to decide what to say first if I had to guess. "How old were you?"

"Eight. "

"Wow."

Here, this is where the look comes, but all I see is what I judge to be pride, he smiled.

"Why are you looking at me like that? Aren't you...disappointed in me?"

"No, why would I be? All that means to me is that you are a hundred times stronger than I thought you were, and I hold you in high esteem."

"Huh." I sat back, at a complete loss of what to do.

"What?"

"Just not the reaction I expected."

"What did you expect?"

"I don't know but not that."

"Why were you expecting me to be disappointed, you were eight. How did you even end up at such a horrible place?"

"It's a really long story. I shouldn't."

"Well its already midnight so I don't see why not."

"Well when I first started living on the street I did get some help getting food but...uh...when that resource was uh..." I bit my lip, trying to explain this without going there. "I had feeding myself so when these slave traders offered me food I couldn't say no, little did I know what that would lead to. I was eight I didn't know what they were doing. I...I got played."

"Wait face up, who was this resource?"

"Uh...just...uh...I really don't want to talk about this."

Kanan looked at me for a long time then said.

"What happened?"

I felt tears in my eyes again and my stomach tighten up at the memory. I felt like I was gonna be sick.

"Ok so there was this guy I met, and how I met him is kinda ironic because I had been on the street for about a mouth and doing well so I was trying to street a apple from this guy's cart because he was being slapped around by a storm trooper, but my timing was a little off and he caught me and I was expecting a beating like every other time I got caution but...um" I bit my lip, desperately trying to avoid a flashback. But to little affect. The only thing that brought me back was kanan's voice.

"Take your time, it's ok."

I took a deep breath.

"He didn't even hit me. I had tripped trying to run away and he help me up off the ground and asked me what my name was, and why I was steeling. I would never tell any stranger that now but I was still stupid, so I told him that I was hungry. And uh, he asked me where my parents were. I told him that they were dead. I was expecting something along the lines of and slapped and something like 'you little loth - rat I'll ring your neck if you ever do that again' but It didn't come, but...he gave me the fruit and I told him I couldn't pay but he said for me to take it. I probably would have died that night if he didn't. He um...he was a poor man but every time I walked by he'd give me something, he helped me survive."

My hands shook and I felt sick, my next ed words were barley a whisper as tears ran down my cheeks.

"The imperials wanted all the money they could get though taxes so someone they make of money off of giving haft there product to some street rat didn't go over well, they had told him to stop but even with my insisting he didn't. I was walking through the streets one day looking for him, but sick I didn't find him I asked someone if they ed seen him and they told me"

A sob cut me off, I was trying so hard not to have a break down, but I wasn't having much luck.

"They told me he was in at the whipping post. I ran there as fast as I could but now I wish never I'd seen what happened. I was caught giving me food and it was only supposed to be a punishment, not a murder, but he was a old man and they...they...they killed him."

That was it, I brook down in tears not even caring that kanan will think I'm weak. I was crying into the table when I felt hands on my shoulders. I looked up with my eyes red and puffy.

"Ezra it's not your fault." Kanan said moving closer to me.

"Yes it is, he wouldn't have died if it wasn't for me, it's my fault it's all my fault. He died for me . And kanan I don't want anyone else to get hurt for me. Why does everyone get taken from me? Why do I aways in up alone?"

Kanan wrapped a arm around me and for the first time I didn't pull back. I fact I turn and cried into his shoulder. This was the most affection I've had in...no this was the most affection I've had.

"You'll never be alone again, I pro."

"You can't promise that. You know you can't. You can't promise you won't get killed. And you can't promise that you won't leave me."

"I won't Ezra." I sighed and shook my head. "Ezra if I had any intention of leaving you do you think I'd be here at one am in the morning talking to you. Your right I can't promise that I'll always be here but you can promise you that I'll never leave you."

I looked at him for a minute, he wasn't lying but...

"Kanan on the street words have more meaning. Probably why I get so upset when people say 'I'm staving' cause there not, when someone on the street says the word 'hero' that's mean you saved there life. 'I care about you' means your more inportant than life it's self, 'I love you' means that you ARE life itself. And a promise means that you full fill to the death. I still live by those words and you can't just through them around."

Kanan took my hand.

"I PROMISE you. I will never abandone you."

Kanan led me up and we hugged each other so tight it was almost vilent.

"Let's go home." Kanan says.

"Do you think the attacks will stop?"

"You got over what made your walls weak so yes."

"Ok...Kanan."

"Yeah."

"Can i to take you up on your offer, to sleep in your room." I looked hopeful.

"Of course you can Ezra."

And we went home, safe and sound. Ok maybe I'm not hundred percent yet but now I know that everything will be ok.


End file.
